My Journey

This is my story and what led me to where I am today.

I write this for a few reasons. One, to be vulnerable with you, as I hope you'll be with me. And two, because I find writing it, getting it out of your head and released on to "paper", to be an important part of the healing journey.

From a very young age, I remember being hyper focused on how my body looked. When I was around the age of 7, I remember my uncle was picking me up and said “wow you’re heavy!” in total innocence. He had just lifted my cousin, who was a string bean, and I was a figure skater and basically rock solid muscle. I was small and lean but of course, I weighed more. I remember that being the moment where something switched inside of me. From that point on, I viewed myself with a more critical eye.

It wasn’t until years later when I went through a break up my senior year of high school, involving cheating and betrayal, that the way I viewed myself became more abusive. My self-worth was completely depleted and everything I did was in comparison to everyone else. I was never enough. I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough, and the list goes on. Heading into my freshman year of college I was in a vulnerable headspace, a very transitional time in everyones life and it no doubt had a big impact on how I navigated through the experience.

The low self-worth view I had of myself started to present itself in all areas of my life. I became more shy and insecure. I was constantly worried people were talking about me. I created crazy narratives in my head that I convinced myself were true, and it ultimately resulted in me ruining friendships. I developed a lot of anxiety and my disordered eating habits began to worsen.

After putting on a few pounds my freshman year, I started to spiral and leaned into solutions that would "help me shake them off" and then some. I spent hours in the gym trying to work off everything I ate, and eventually turned to fat burn pills that I quickly became addicted to. I would freak out if I didn’t remember to take it one day, I became very secretive of everything I was doing; how much time I spent at the gym, what I ate, that I was taking fat burners, and other completely random parts of my life that made no logical sense to hide. I was living a secret world in my own head while trying to fit in with my peers and act normal and care-free at the same time. Meanwhile, I was anything but care-free. I was spiriling.

That summer I was moving to New York for my first internship. I continued the same behavior, obsessing over my fat burner pills, exercising like a mad woman, eating as little as possible. The pounds were flying off. I would look in the store windows as I walked by and check on my “arm fat” (which was skin, not fat) and get excited that bones were showing. I was finally feeling pretty good about myself, but it was time to return to college. The compulsive comparison came rushing back in like massive wave knocking me out. My anxiety was out of control, food and exercise was even more obsessive and I was self-destructing. I decided I wanted to transfer and move to NYC, a place I associated with feeling "my best".

It wasn't long before all of the same things presented themselves in my new habitat. The comparison creeped right back in and I went down the vicious cycle again. At this time, I knew I had to get off the fat burners, I was worried they’d effect my metabolism long term like other girls experienced, so I got a prescription for Adderall because I heard it stopped you from eating. Then I moved to Vyvanse because it lasted longer, which meant less food for longer periods of time with less pill intake. Sidenote: I don't think people talk about Adderall and ADHD medication enough, how many people use it for the wrong reasons (me being one of them), and how addictive it is. Anyways, vyvanse was my day drug and Adderall was for my nights out. Enough to keep me awake but not awake all night and to help curb my appetite while I drank.

This went on. I was getting smaller and smaller but it was never enough. I’d nit pick every single part of my body and identify things that were wrong and areas I needed to work on. I was aiming for 1200 calories a day and working out for at least an hour and a half daily. I walked to and from work every single day, which was bonus exercise in my mind (although I truly did hate the subway). I became extremely rigid on my schedule. My disorder fully took over and was running my life. I became so attached to my schedule that making plans with friends sent me in a frenzy of anxiety. I had to pre-plan everything so that I could stay within my restrictions but still be able to put on a front that none of that was happening.

The rigidity around my schedule in general was just a way for me to have control. If I went off schedule I feared I would binge (which absolutely did happen) and have so much make up work to do. It really prevented me from living the NYC life, or any life for that matter.

This went on for about 4 years, relationships continued to be ruined, I couldn’t find love, and my self-worth kept getting lower and lower.

That’s when I decided to move to LA. I needed a change, a fresh start, a place where I didn’t know anyone. I got incredibly lucky, met some wonderful friends right off the bat and even found my now husband. The restrictions began to fade, I still ate really healthy, worked out regularly, and took Vyvanse and Adderal but I gave myself more leniency, I began to actually live my life. I wasn’t healed but I was in a better place. There were of course relapses and moments where old behaviors took control but I could be a little more free.

While other parts of my circle of life (more on this in the coaching program) began to improve, my career wasn’t where I wanted it. I hadn't fully found my grove when I moved to my new city. I bounced around a few times and the environment at the last company I worked for became quite toxic. I wasn’t happy but didn’t know where to go, what I had to offer. (Again, not feeling enough.) This is when I started working with a life/career coach and where my whole world changed.

I started working with a coach hoping to find out what my passion was. What I was supposed to do with my life. How to get out of this job and into one that made me feel more fulfilled. I ended up learning SO much about myself. Through the process, I acknowledged I had an eating disorder for the first time, I learned how deeply that was impacting other parts of my life, and how poorly I knew myself and my body. Within my first month, prior to even acknowledging I had a disorder, I had a revelation that I wanted to help people find their confidence and reestablish love with themselves. Something I hadn’t fully done yet, but had gotten closer to. This is what led me here.

It has been a process. I often felt like an imposter, doubting my capabilities, and questioning how I can help others when I’m not fully healed. But the truth is, I’ve been there. Maybe in a similar circumstance or a different, but I can relate, I can understand. Sharing is really where the power comes from. Having a safe space where you can feel comfortable admitting the ugliest parts of yourself that you know you want to change, and do so without judgement. My goal in this is to create a support system that lifts you up and hold space to learn and grow.

Helping someone potentially avoid some of the things I’ve struggled with in my own life, helping someone love themselves a bit more, and providing them with a way to grow in a way they feel good and aligned with. This is what makes me feel fulfilled.

My journey is still ever evolving and there's so much to look forward to.